Frugal Hacks » Beyond Money

The Love Language of Gifts

DeputyHeadmistress — Fri, 14 May 2010 11:57:06 +0000

A while back my husband and I had an interesting discussion with another couple about gift giving. Her husband had grown up as a missionary child in an African country. Poverty was something he saw every day. She had grown up in North America, her parents were older when she was born, and they went out to eat almost every day. I grew up poor. I wore hand-me-downs from other families, had to wear ugly brown snow-boots instead of the gloriously red shiny ones I wanted because they had to be passed down to my brothers, and sometimes had the power turned off because my father did not pay the electric bill (he was more than willing to buy himself Italian shoes, however). My husband was raised by his grandmother, who owned acres and acres of orange groves in Southern California and did not lack for money at all by the time he came along. While she had the good sense not to spoil him monetarily, he never wanted for anything at all, either. His father did not have good sense, and it was not unheard of for him to wander by and give his son a hundred dollar bill- in the seventies, when a 12 year old could do a lot of damage with a hundred dollars. Once when visiting his family they found out we bought the children's clothes at thrift shops and they were absolutely appalled. An aunt privately took him aside and offered to take us shopping to buy the new clothes. They had not found out because of the way the kids were dressed, btw. They found out because I was excited about really great bargains we found at a local thrift shop and was sharing my joy over this with them without realizing they did not share that joy at all.

Not surprisingly, my husband, our friends, and I all have different ideas about what we value in gifts, and we enjoyed talking about the different processes we went through as we figured out what pleased the spouses in our marriages.

My friend once greeted her fiance's return from a trip with a huge hand lettered sign and some expensive stuff to go with it (I do not remember what, I just remember it was pricey stuff for a college student). Later when it was his turn to greet her on a return trip, he turned the sign around and wrote on the back of it, and gave her, oh, I don't remember- something like a plant he'd grown in his room or some wildflowers. My friend was crushed at what a cheapskate he was, whereas I would have been thrilled with such creative and frugal thoughtfulness.

On the other hand, on our first Valentine's Day as a married couple, my husband brought home a grapevine wreath from a floral shop- one that cost half my weekly grocery money. I was devastated and sick at heart. When I say it was half our grocery money, I mean that week I had half as much grocery money available as usual, and we were already eating a pretty limited diet of beans, rice, potatoes, with rice, potates and beans for variety. A present does not mean more to me because it costs more. If it costs more for what I view a frivolous reason, it actually causes me pain. Very likely this is associated with the deprivations of my childhood and my response to them, but also it goes with my particular personality and love language, just as my friend's love for gifts that do cost money is associated with her childhood and also her own personality and love language.

My friend said she would have been thrilled at such a romantic gesture. I asked her how it could be romantic to have to go without food to pay for a grapevine wreath you cannot eat and do not need, and I guess it just is, if that's your love language. Personally, I don't get it at all, and I mean that. I mean, I understand on an intellectual level that is how some people feel, but I cannot imagine it, I cannot understand why, and it's hard for me to believe that anybody really does feel that way, even though they tell me they do. Emotionally I am sure they can't really mean that, or that if only things were explained to them they would realize that the price on an item has no relationship to its value, and that true gifts are about love and time and service, not price- that's how foreign and incomprehensible that kind of thinking is. It seems thoroughly materialistic and soul-less to me. I never liked the story of the Gift of the Magi, either, in case you are wondering, and yes, I realize that seems soul-less to others.

It was years before my husband and I really understand this about each other. I think we finally got it the year he bought me a hundred dollar teapot I have never liked (you have to dust it with a q-tip), and I bought him a brief-case I thought was ridiculously overpriced.

I was shopping for his birthday present, and I began by shopping the way that would please me- the way that would actually thrill me, actually, and make me feel tenderly cared for and understood - carefully, frugally, taking time to assess all the different features, price comparing. This would ordinarily be a very time consuming process where I would go from store to store- because this is how I show my love- by spending time on something. But I was pregnant and had a 2 year old, and the 7, 8, 10, 13, and 14 year olds with me, the 10 year old still in diapers, and I was not supposed to be on my feet more than 20 minutes, and the 2 year old was fractious and we had just finished grocery shopping so I was exhausted, sore, and in near agony from the condition mandating I not be on foot. I also happened to start at the store where he had purchased the ugly teapot and so I had just found out how much it cost which did not make me feel loved at all, it made me feel like I was going to have to make more sacrifices in the grocery budget in order to pay for a present that was not purchased with my likes and dislikes in mind, and I simply snapped, grabbed the most expensive briefcase in the group I was looking at and muttered something quite unwifely like, "I can't keep doing this today. He doesn't care about anything but how expensive it is, anyway, so I will just get the most expensive one and I don't care what it looks like."

When the time came to give him the present, he gushed over it. Among other things he said, "You must have spent so much time finding this!" At which point the children all looked at me waiting to see what I would do, since we do value honesty in our family, and they knew that time is exactly what I had NOT applied in choosing that present, thanks to my big mouth. I shifted uncomfortably and avoided his eye, and he repeated his gushing and praise, so I felt compelled to confess in front of my children, "I didn't spend any time on it at all. I started to, but then I decided you wouldn't appreciate it so I just picked out the most expensive one."

Now if this had been reversed, I would have been saddened. It would have diminished the gift in my eyes, and so I felt like I was saying something hurtful and I was ashamed and embarrassed. But to my husband, brought up with different standards, expectations, and regular electricity, this was not hurtful. It actually increased the value of the present in his eyes. He glowed, and gushed more. And I was shocked, while also a glimmer of a clue began to twinkle in the murky recesses of my brain.

We talked about it later, and for the first time he understood that an expensive present did not speak of love and cherishing to me, it represented cold, calculated shopping and buying of affections the easy way instead of investing one's heart into it and it spoke of materialism and meant deprivation to me, whereas, and I began to understand that for him, buying something new, shiny, and a little more expensive at the store represented, well, excitement, fun, careless abandon, and it says something to him about how the gift-giver values him.

And here's the thing- both of us are quite right. Where we were wrong was to give the sorts of gifts we would have wanted to each other instead of trying to consider the love language of the person to whom we were giving.

My husband stopped giving me store bought cards and started writing me notes and making coupons for acts of service. I stopped making his cards and started buying them. If he asked for a given book, I quit buying it used and bought it new for him, but if I asked for a book, he would buy it used for me. I have literally been known to squeal with delight when one of my children gives me some special thrift shop find for a present and then tells me how little she paid for it. It may represent something cheapskate and grim to somebody else, but to me, I think it represents care, security, and thoughtful love. Maybe you have to grow up in a household where expensive whims might be indulged one day, but that would mean unkept promises, jeans six inches too short, and utilities cut off just a day or too later to really understand this.

To give a nonfrugal gift to a frugal person is like giving chocolate cake to somebody who is allergic to chocolate and who doesn't like it anyway. That is not generous or kind. It might make the giver feel good, but gift giving should be about your recipient, not yourself.

To give a nonfrugal person an obviously frugal gift and go on about your frugality is equally unthoughtful. You are not communicating your love to that person, even if that is what you do want to communicate. One difference is that sometimes circumstances simply do dictate that you cannot give any but a frugal gift, but when this is your situation you can dress it up, make the presentation special, and keep quiet about how frugal you were.

And try to believe people when they tell what makes them feel most cherished and honoured.

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Measuring the Cost of Children

DL — Mon, 07 Sep 2009 20:04:53 +0000

Recently, I have again been reading articles discussing the extraordinary cost of raising children. As frugalites, do we really need to be concerned? Granted, if progeny had never graced my home, there might be more clothes in my closet, a pantry filled with gourmet items, and my savings account a tad bit larger, but let's look at the raising of children from another perspective.

A sampling of the practical benefits of children in my home are as follows:

Lawn care (almost one acre mowed without a riding mower)
IT services are available 24/7 ( I am not tech savvy)
Personal editing of my posts (I went to public school)
Cleaning help that even washes windows! (with some motivation)

Continuing to reflect on the advantages of having children, I have found there are more minds and hands to discover frugal treasures, more swagbucks multiplying in my account, and I often have my own personal chauffeur to take me where ever I need to go! Think about it, who needs an interior decorator when you have a daughter, or someone to open a door when you have a son?

On the other hand, how could there ever be a monetary value assigned to the hugs of a toddler? Or the joy of seeing an adult child stand firm for a truth dear to your heart? What about the benefit of a family working and sacrificing together to accomplish a goal? Please do not misunderstand me. I am in no way minimizing the challenges of parenting, but I can honestly tell you, I have never had a day I was sorry for the investment made in my children, only days when I wanted to have more of them at my table.

And let's not forget how our children aid society. Mine already contribute to Social Security and pay their taxes, albeit not by choice. They also plan to save future taxpayers from the cost of nursing-home care by being responsible for my husband and me in old age.

In my opinion, the "cost" of having children can not only be measured monetarily. The benefits and blessings of being a parent far exceed any price tag placed upon the process. To me, practicing frugality could never mean choosing to have fewer children. What about you?

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Food wasters face a new rule in my house

kimc — Sat, 27 Jun 2009 18:08:45 +0000

The problem:

The weather is in the triple digits, and milk left out for half an hour goes bad. Salad wilts in 20 minutes. Bread left open is stale in the blink of an eye.

My kids waste food, and it's happening more and more quickly as the temperatures heat up here in south Texas. We needed to find a solution fast!

The solution:

I now charge 50 cents every time a child leaves food out or fails to properly store it. There are always ways to earn a quarter or two in our home, so if a child doesn't have 50 cents she must drop what she's doing and earn it.

The fines they pay for wasting food are ostensibly to replace the food they waste, but in reality the change just goes toward the next little job so they'll have money the next time. That's ok; it's not about the money. It's about teaching them to be good stewards, and I have high hopes that they will soon remember to put the lid back on the peanut butter.

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Frugal Is As Frugal Does

Jaimie — Thu, 12 Mar 2009 17:13:36 +0000

I've always felt that frugality and "green", earth friendly concepts go hand in hand. If we aren't frugal with our resources on a global scale, being frugal with our nickels and pennies isn't going to make much of a difference in the long run. As the St Patrick's day holiday approaches (which is a green holiday for an entirely different reason!), I've been reflecting on ways that I can be frugal with what I've been given in much more than a "spending as little as I can for the best quality I can find" way. I've come up with a short list of earth-friendly frugal practices and mindsets that I try to keep in mind as I make my way through this world.

1. Reduce is first, Reuse is second, Recycle as a last resort. In the Reduce Reuse, Recycle mantra, the first tenet is to reduce, meaning - find a way to not use as much of something, or not need to use it at all. Think outside the box. Do you really need that something, or can you adapt something you already have to the task?

2. Time is of the essence. I am in a lot of ways the queen of procrastination. But procrastination, which is the enemy of progress, is how I end up doing as little as possible as quickly as possible. If I procrastinate less and do more, I spend less of my time putting things off, and more of my time making headway. Using my time wisely gives me more time to do things that really matter and less time thinking about how not to do things.

3. Real feeling beats Hallmark cliches every time. Give a hug. Give a real honest emotion. Save the earth one less Hallmark card at a time. If you want to give a card, make one out of recycled materials and love.

4. Junk mail is the enemy. Get rid of the junk mail! Get yourself off every junk mail list you can manage. Here's a link to a list of places that can help you do that.

5. If you must write it down, use that junk mail to do it. No matter what you do, some junk will come - use it as scrap paper. Use it as compost if you can. Put it to use instead of simply putting it away.

6. Again - reduce. Create less waste. Make purchases with packaging in mind. Try to reduce the amount of trash that leaves your home on a daily, weekly, or monthly basis.

The earth is here for all of us to share. Treat it frugally, and the rewards will return back to you.

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Analog To Digital Conversion Delayed – Or Maybe Not

Jaimie — Thu, 12 Feb 2009 17:17:16 +0000

The mandatory deadline for the analog to digital conversion of the over-the-air television signal has been extended from February 17th to June 12th. So those of us who get their TV signal from an antenna over the air now have a few more months until we need to have a converter box to capture the digital signal, right?

Wrong. At least, for some of us.

My local television stations have started broadcasting a message that although the deadline for mandatory conversion has been extended, this is just the deadline. And they will be completing their conversion on February 17th as planned.

Now, for those who use the over-air signal to watch TV, that really stinks!

The deadline was extended , in part, because the government-sponsored coupon program to help people buy a converter box for their TV is out of money. If you go to the website to order a coupon, you are put on a waiting list with this message:

On January 4, 2009, the Coupon Program reached its authorized funding ceiling. However, coupon requests from eligible households are still being accepted. Applications are placed on a waiting list, and will be filled on a first-come-first-served basis as funds become available from expiring coupons. You will not receive coupons until funds become available.

Yet, our local stations will be converting to digital in less than a week anyway. Um... thanks?

We personally get our signal from a cable company, so we will not be affected by the transition right now. However, the principle of the thing infuriates me. If I decided to cut our cable television out of our budget, I would have to get converter boxes for two of our three televisions, and the promised government coupon to help me do so would not be happening. But yet we march on to convert here on the original schedule.

Are you ready for the analog to digital conversion?

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Is Frugality A Fad Or A Trend That Will Last?

Jaimie — Thu, 29 Jan 2009 14:29:16 +0000

As the economy continues to slide and prospects for many look bleak, there has been a surge in frugal practices. Spending less and saving more has become the latest fashion, and everywhere you look, there are articles about it or people trying to be more frugal.

Is this a lasting trend towards doing more with less? Or is it just the latest fad and when things improve economically, it will completely go out the window?

What's your take?

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Reorganizing Life For The New Year

Jaimie — Thu, 18 Dec 2008 15:52:57 +0000

2009 is just around the corner, and if you are like me, there are some things in your life that work well, and some things that just no longer make sense. Truth be told, we can make changes at any time, but something about the start of a new year gives that extra little motivation to actually make a change. (As for sticking to it, that is a whole other topic entirely).

Does your day to day life feel a little more overwhelming than it did last January? Are you a bit more frazzled than you remember being in the past? Sometimes we stick to routines that have become habit, long after their usefulness is past. Here are five of the many areas of your life you might want to reflect on and make some changes to start the new year on the right foot.

1. Your Daily Routine. I have a habit of sticking with a general routine for my day to day life long after every part of that life has shifted considerably and it just doesn't work. For some reason I cling to that shred of order inside a whirlwind of busyness even if the order I crave is actually making things more hectic. Does your daily routine work for you? Or are there some changes you can make to make life flow a little more smoothly?

2. Your "me" time. When life gets busier, time to myself is the first thing I sacrifice. But that is, in the long run, very counter-productive. From the simplest things like taking the time for personal cleanliness like bathing and brushing my teeth, to the deeper needs like time for reflection and rejuvenation, time for myself is important. I am an introvert and that time to myself recharges my very soul and makes me more able to deal with life's everyday challenges.

3. Your budget. This deserves a post of its own, but over the course of a year, many things can change. But sometimes, we stick to the budget we created even when it makes no sense in our lives any more just because we created it. Look at your budget - does it truly reflect your priorities, goals, and dreams? If not, start working on it now to bring it more in line with what you want to achieve.

4. Your work/life balance. Has work crept into all corners of your life? Has the balance of time in your life shifted away from your priorities? Make sure that all aspects of your life are in balance, and that how you spend your time reflects the priorities in your life. Actions speak louder than words, and it is easy sometimes to let those actions get away from us.

5. Your stuff. My desk is drowning in stuff. My cupboards are overloaded with stuff. My kids are starting to amass their own collections of stuff. I can't find anything, and it isn't working. Now is the time to simplify, to purge, to create order. I'm trying.

Is there an area (or more than one) that could use some attention going into the new year?

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“Drugstore Game” Inspired Housewarming or Life Survival Gift Baskets

Jaimie — Thu, 11 Dec 2008 14:37:31 +0000

Do you play what is commonly referred to on the internet as "The Drugstore Game"? With planning and effort, a vast amount of toiletry (and other) items can be obtained from a combination of CVS, Rite-Aid, and Walgreens for very little cost, no cost, or sometimes you even end up making a profit on the deal (that gets applied to other parts of your order or you get back in coupons - no cash back!).

If you are a faithful player of the game, or even just a dabbler like me, you end up with a closet full of toiletries - more than any reasonable person can use in a lifetime, it seems. There is always the option of donating excess, which I do, but here is another idea for some of the excess toiletry items you might want to pass on in a tactful and considerate way - gift baskets.

This past year, my brother and his partner bought their first house. So I created for him a housewarming gift basket, with a huge variety of toiletry items (detergent, toothpaste, shampoo, even deodorant) with cute notes attached to them that had funny captions (like "when the reality of owning a house begins to make you sweat" on the deodorant). They were all items I knew they would appreciate but by themselves were not the type of things you would normally give as a gift. Collected into a basket I already had and decorated with a few simple embellishments, the gift cost me practically nothing, but was thoughtful and considerate at the same time. The same idea could be extended to someone going off to college or even a new job in a new place, someone going through a rough personal time, or really any situation where a basket of practical items would be appreciated.

Think outside the box this Christmas, and pass on the idea of useful. And you can always throw in something homemade and pretty.

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Extending Tithing To What I Already Have

Jaimie — Thu, 04 Dec 2008 15:20:57 +0000

Some of us are frugal by choice, and some by necessity. And many, like me, are a combination of both. I am somewhat naturally frugal, in that I like to conserve my resources and use as little as possible, but I also have a tendency to shop and to treat myself and others. Our financial situation forced me to become more conscious of our money, and I have developed a love for frugality and for using what I have wisely, even when I don't desperately have to.

The holiday season is a time to give as well as receive. To share with others as well as be touched by generosity. For most of us, we'll be bestowed with gifts from friends and family (even if we don't want to be) and we'll be giving gifts to others.

So this year, I'm extending the idea of giving 10% to charity (or tithing) and giving 10% of what I already have as well as the "normal" idea of giving 10% of what comes in. I'm a hoarder by nature, and over the past year or so have developed a talent for getting items for free (or close to it) using coupons, sales, and what others refer to as "The Drugstore Game" (bargains at CVS, Walgreens, and RiteAid). I have a hoard of non-perishable food in my pantry, toiletries and cleaning items in my cupboard, and on top of that more free samples of items than I ever thought possible.

But out in the rest of the world, there are people who are hungry. People who don't have a clean pair of clothes. Food banks are suffering in this recession, donations are down, and others need help. My help. If not me, than who?

So I am donating 10% of what I have (that can be donated) this holiday season. I have 20 shirts in my closet. So two of them will be donated to Goodwill. I have 25 boxes of cereal. 3 will be donated to our local food pantry. 11 cans of soup = 1 can donated. And the list goes on. My children will help as well, they will go through their things and choose ones to be donated. And the result will be a distribution of our resources to others who need them more than we do.

What do you have that can be given to someone less fortunate this year?

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