The Other Forbidden Topic
This is not for everybody. It's not even a topic that many people want to discuss or read about on a blog.
This is what my parents chose to do a few years ago. They contacted a state university and made arrangements to donate their bodies to the medical department of the university once they were through with them. When my father died, my mother notified the proper department (they'd given her a card and there was also one with Dad's medical records).
There is information on the process here:
The how-to is pretty straightforward. Googling "willed body program" plus your state or poking around the Web site of your favorite med school will turn up detailed information and often a donor form. The institution may send you a wallet card to notify authorities of its claim at the time of death. Be sure to discuss the matter with your family and doctor so they'll know what to do (and won't freak) when the time comes.
They retrieved his body, and there was nothing else for my mother to do. There will be no burial, no graveside service, no expensive casket, no fees for embalming, no fees for cremation, no plot in a cemetery, no headstone to buy.
They also handle the paperwork, including making sure a death certificate is on file, social security is notified, and they have kept in touch with my mother to let her know how the paperwork is being handled.
A memorial service is up to the family. In our strictly unique situation for reasons which are excellent but I do not wish to go into in any detail, there was no memorial service. It won't be that way for my mother when her time comes. The cost of a memorial service is less than the cost of a full funeral, and whether it costs anything at all is strictly up to the family. For my part, I'd be just fine if my family got together at our house and told stories on me, laughed, cried, forgave me all my many failings, remembered my successes and even embellished them a bit, said a few prayers, read a few verses from the Bible and hugged on each other. I don't have strong feelings about it, though, as I consider a memorial service is all about the survivors and their feelings and need for closure (or not), so it will be up to them.
Again, this is certainly not for everybody. On the other hand, thousands of dollars in burial and funeral fees are also not for everybody.
My husband's preference is a plain pine box somewhere on our property, but we understand that pine boxes are pretty expensive these days, and it's illegal to use our property. He started thinking about the pine box thing when he was in his twenties and he took a writing class for work. One of the essays in his writing textbook was about burial practices, and he learned then that embalming is almost never required by law- it's a cultural practice. Neither are caskets costing thousands of dollars a requirement, and it isn't true that burials on your own property are illegal in every state. If you are not too squeamish, it is not a bad idea to think about what you will want, and what your family can handle when your time comes. Write down your wishes, but don't make them binding in stone. It's not fair for the dead to guilt trip the living. Actually, even if you are squeamish, you should make some sort of plan and begin funding it now, as it's not fair to leave your loved ones to figure everything out in the midst of their grief.
If what you want is going to cost money, start setting aside that money now in a special account and leave it there. Or look into your state laws and regulations on burial customs now and make that plan. Or google that 'willed body program.'
Or learn some carpentry skills and build your own pine box.
17 Responses to “The Other Forbidden Topic”
April 20th, 2012 at 6:12 am
you need to do what works for your family..(the survivors) mom wanted NOTHING..but we NEEDED something…so she got cremated per her wishes…and we buried the ashes with my brother who died 30 years prior..i had his stone cleaned and it was all crooked so we added a new base with her info…that touched my father (divorced frm mom) so much to see his son’s stone in such good shape. we all visit that cemetary..in the middle of nowhere…no sounds other than nature can be heard….we all visit on our own when we need to “talk” stuff out…
that is what was important for US. and in your case i’m sure you had all had your personal moments of “closure” of some type..if his kids and wife are satisfied..than that is the perfect solution.
I hate that so many go into massive debt..and i can’t help but feel it’s not neccessary…
with mom it was not too bad, cremation included picking her up from hospital and all the paper work and certificate and such 600$..urn/box we could have brought something ourselves…i paid 300$…burial with my brother was free because we pay maintance for my brother..stone cleaning and a new base was 500 which i was EXTREMELY pleased with…
the time for my siblings and i to grieve with my father who spent many many years married to her..was (forgive the horrid hat tip to a nasty commercial) priceless.
April 20th, 2012 at 7:13 am
I’m thinking of doing this myself and have talked it over with my kids. They don’t understand but it makes prefect frugal sense (and helps others after you are gone). The ones I’m considering return your cremated remains if desired.
April 20th, 2012 at 7:15 am
My dad wanted to give his body to medical research and found he couldn’t–he was too tall by about an inch! So, there may be requirements that make this option unavailable for all.
April 20th, 2012 at 7:37 am
My father-in-law’s body was donated according to his wishes. The only issue we had was that one of his sons did not arrive before the his body was collected and therefore was unable to “see” his Dad. Please make sure your family is well aware of what will happen and when.
April 20th, 2012 at 7:41 am
whatever you do, please write it down somewhere and tell your kids.. PLEASE..
i watched my sister in law’s family fall apart , cause mom who was dying of cancer, never ever spoke of it..half wanted one thing , the other half the other…
relationships have no recovered almost 10 years later…broke my brother’s heart to his his wife’s family fall apart.
When my uncle died and his ashes were separated between all the kids and displayed on a mantle, mom was SURE she let us know exactly what she wanted, cremation, NO DIVISION and no mantles..bury them please, even if in the flower garden. Also don’t invite all the extended family as they never visited when she was living..so we called afterwards..we honoured her wishes is what we said. And if they wanted to hold a memorial between them they were free to do so.
My mother in law was shocked to read in her mother’s obituary that she was cremated..only the executor brother knew….so PLEASE talk to your kids….when my mom died, i mentioned to everyone that to honour her by making sure they wishes were known would please me immensly..
the end WILL come…so make plans…i was lucky to be a co signer on mom’s bank account so i was able to pay for it all…my best friend had to borrow from her in laws to bury her dad…no one should have to do that…
April 20th, 2012 at 9:27 am
Celina, I agree- it’s important to write it down, important to earmark funds for it, and important to be sensitive not to impose burdens on those you leave behind.
Karen- I knew there are sometimes weight restrictions. I hadn’t heard of height restrictions. Interesting.
Annie, I don’t think the one my parents chose returns cremated remains, but I do know that many do. You know what I’d really like? If they gave you some sort of update on what they’d learned. That’s probably macabre.
April 20th, 2012 at 12:38 pm
Interesting topic. I’ve never thought about doing this, but you’ve got my mind going now. I have never liked the idea of being buried, and cremating me is something my husband is against. I think I will discuss this with him as an option. Plus, like you said…it saves the survivors so much money. I don’t want to be a financial burden to anyone when I die.
April 20th, 2012 at 12:42 pm
writing your wishes down is very important and it does not hurt to have what you write notarized at the court house and put on file there. my dad wanted cremation and no memorial service. twelve years after his cremation his second wife sent me his ashes…which i will bury next to his parents. memorial services need not even cost money or be done up by a funeral home…in my family we like the good old fashioned irish wake where those who wish may meet, and celebrate the life of the one who has passed away with a potlluck meal and lots of stories and music provided by kin.
April 20th, 2012 at 12:51 pm
Albany Medical College provides online information about the disposition of the cremated remains in its Anatomical Gift program:
http://www.amc.edu/AnatomicalGiftDisposition.html.
April 20th, 2012 at 1:43 pm
Did I miss a post or something? I didn’t know what the first forbidden topic was! …as to cremation vs. conventional funerals,we’re divided. The Husband wants one thing and I the other. I guess at this point in our lives we need to NAIL it down and put it in writing– so the kids know for sure.
We opened a new checking today– and didn’t know on the spot what to do about a POD (payable on death) determination. We also had some issues while there dealing with Social Security and name changes,… another topic for another day. But for us something that needs to be dealt with.
So… I’m glad I read this today, three times in one day, I’m faced with the fact that there are decisions to be made– and not to put it off any longer.
Getting it in writing is important.
Thanks! Pat
April 20th, 2012 at 3:42 pm
Pat, it was kind of a joke, this title, but the punchline was in my head, sorry about that. I should haev thought more carefully.
I was debating in my head whether to write this post or not, because it’s kind of a sensitive topic. And I thought to myself something like, “Death, that’s probably the most forbidden topic to talk about,” and then I thought, “nah, it’s _____” So I went with ‘the other forbidden topic.’
Except now I don’t know. Maybe this isn’t the second topic. more forbidden would be sex, politics, or religion.
Not my best effort at a title.
April 20th, 2012 at 5:24 pm
Ha-ha… I guess I sort of knew it was a joke…only, I really was wondering. ‘Hm,if this is second, I wonder what the first one would be?’
sometimes it’s kind of hard to convey meaning in writing. I usually add the ‘text lingo’ LOL or something, when I think it’s funny. This time I just left it with an exclamation point–making your think, I didn’t get your joke.
Nothing wrong with the title– just my poor attempt at being funny. But, thanks for the explanation–
have a great week! Pat
April 20th, 2012 at 9:29 pm
We just had a discussion on this topic today! I was reading a book to my kids about early medicine and we found out that in Roman times they weren’t allowed to do medical research on dead bodes so instead Galen learned a lot by fixing up the Gladiators (which of course Gladiator games were perfectly legal).
A friend died recently and her body was donated to Mayo clinic. I think that is a very neat thing to do but I hadn’t even thought about how it would save money. I think I shall talk to my husband about this!
April 20th, 2012 at 11:45 pm
My alumni magazine recently did an article on the deeded bodies program (the full text is only available as a premium article to members — http://www.iowalum.com/magazine/dec11/gift.cfm). The article (except the lead photo) was very respectful, and, without saying specifics of individuals, it did say some general things of what they used the bodies for (mostly medical students’ practice). They’ve since received letters from several survivors of these participants, and all of them cited how meaningful it was to their families.
As for the pine box option: I’ve heard of some people who have built their pine (or other wood) box during their lifetime, and are currently using it as a coffee table/other piece of furniture in their household until its primary use becomes necessary. Seems very frugal.
April 21st, 2012 at 9:52 am
Discussed this with one daughter who reminded me of a mutual friend who’s body was donated for science and they returned her ashes to the family once completed. I’d forgotten that…we’re in TEXAS, and this is what I’m told. But finding out the rules-regulations in your state would certainly be prudent. AS to the JoannaTopazT comment…about building your own box prior and using for a coffee table. I found that funny! I wonder if they tell people that their ‘putting their feet up’ on dad’s pine box! …he he he
Pat
April 22nd, 2012 at 8:03 am
My FIL just passed away. We buried him here on our property in an old cemetary. My husband and sons dug the whole and filled it in. ‘Hardest thing I’ve every done’ was what my dh said. It is good because my MIL can walk from her house (next door) to the cemetary any time she wants to. Doing it that way saved a lot of money, but the whole thing was still $7000.00. My dh wants our sons to wack together a pine box and bury him quickly so he doesn’t have to be embalmed.
I think everyone should think about it and make their wishes known. We are all different and have different needs.
April 22nd, 2012 at 8:06 am
Maybe this could work for you….http://unclutterer.com/2010/03/03/maybe-you-can-take-it-with-you/
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