Toughening Up My Frugal Skin
Enjoying a visit with an extended family member, my heart sank when first I heard her comment. Husband had been sharing that in the near future we would be celebrating our 29th anniversary. He was describing our plan of staying at a nearby hotel which offered a nice breakfast and an evening snack so plentiful that it would be our meal.
"That’s how your are going to celebrate your anniversary?" she said incredulously.
Husband had not even gotten to the part where the hotel would cost us nothing due to a promotional he had won. I quickly reminded myself that not all people have my frugal perspective on celebrations and realized that I needed to toughen up my frugal skin and not let my emotions be impacted if others think we are being “cheap.”
For this dear family member, Husband was not showing the appreciation that 29 years of marriage warranted. For her, the celebration of this event should include a decent monetary expenditure. I, on the other hand, was so looking forward to 24 hours with Husband to walk, talk, relax in a nice hotel room, and perhaps play a game of Scrabble, all for the cost of a lunch! Just thinking of this makes my frugal heart sing!
This conversation made me think about our materialistic society and how we so often equate “love” and appreciation with money. Thinking back over our 29 anniversaries, my memories are quite diverse. Sometimes a nice dinner out, a few overnight hotel stays, and many evenings spent at home celebrating with our precious children over tuna fish casserole, come to mind. In each memory it was the relationships remembered that was the best part.
This family member continued to find some of my frugal life a bit mystifying. She could not understand putting off the repair of my dryer. To her, the time taken to hang up my clothes (and the stiff towels she had to use) seemed too high a cost to pay for the amount of money saved. She didn’t see the value of saving vegetable peelings to later make a broth in the crockpot or put out in the compost pile. The time expended seemed to be more a waste than the few dollars purchased broth or compost would cost.
It wasn’t that this family member had lots of extra funds. Just that the frugal life did not appeal to her idea of how to use her time. (I will say that she did seem to think the five shirts I found at Walmart for $1.00 a piece was a good deal.) Choosing to not feel discouraged by her evaluation of my choices, I used this opportunity to graciously listen to her comments and then be even more grateful for my frugal life.
Perhaps she started to understand before she left to go home. Wanting to give me a thank-you gift for the time spent with us, she left money for us to purchase a new toaster oven. Ours had broken some time ago and a new one had not yet made the priority list. We had made our family member’s morning toast in our oven. As she gave me the money for the new toaster oven, she was sure to tell me that this would save electricity!
How about you? Do you feel gifts and celebrations are more meaningful based on how much they cost?
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12 Responses to “Toughening Up My Frugal Skin”
November 18th, 2010 at 6:49 am
I tend to vacillate back and forth on this one. It has been the “norm” for so long that more money means more love. We have family members that buy more and more gifts when just being with them would be nicer than finding a place for all the “stuff”. My husband and I have had a couple really nice getaways by using his hotel reward points that he gets from going on business trips. On the other hand, I enjoy a really luxurious meal once in a while also. I am frugal most of the time so that I can enjoy these luxuries on rare occasions.
November 18th, 2010 at 8:16 am
As I was reading your story, my first thought was “Awwww….I feel so bad for her family member!”
I agree 100% with you about how society equates material goods, gifts and amount of money spent on how much you love someone. Five years ago we let our friends and family know that we would no longer be exchanging or giving gifts for any event or holiday. We’ll call them, write a letter, send an email with a funny or beautiful poem, maybe send them a card, but no gifts will be given and we will not be accepting any gifts either. There was a bit of grumbling at the beginning, but it has been so worth it! Now I look forward to birthdays – not feeling obligated to spend the “appropriate, but not too much, but it has to be better than what Aunt Suzy gives” gift has freed my husband and I financially and emotionally. There is no guilt that we didn’t give the BEST gift, and we feel great that in not taking gifts, we have contributed just the tiniest little bit to easing someone else’s financial burden as well.
As for us, my husband knows that my favorite price is free and he takes pride in bringing me home a gift that he bartered for or recycled or did something creative to obtain it instead of just opening his wallet and tossing out cash.
We’ve only been married for 6 1/2 years, and I can’t even fathom the joy and blessings I will have in my life when we celebrate our 29th anniversary! Congratulations on your upcoming anniversary, I hope your husband takes the time to make you a card with his own sentiments in it instead of paying $5.00 for a generic card with someone else’s thoughts.
November 18th, 2010 at 9:01 am
WOW! Sounds like my family! I’m with you though, there are things we can do without (dryer-you can hang your clothes and it’s environmentally friendly, the toaster – we use ours to store other objects in that are collecting dust). I guess to each their own, but if my DH and I could go away for FREE someonewhere for our annivesary, I would be MORE happy then anything!
November 18th, 2010 at 9:17 am
The fact that your anniversary celebration was FREE– should be irrelevant to anyone else.
The fact that you and your hubby were looking forward to actually going somewhere together and doing something nice for your anniversary is gift enough for me. That is priceless!
When David wanted to build a temple (House unto the Name of the Lord) Even God said, ‘Thanks, David– it is enough that it’s in your heart, but your son will be building my house, not you.’
So even God thinks …it’s the thought that counts– not the price or how elaborate.
November 18th, 2010 at 10:08 am
I would LOVE a low-cost hotel getaway with my husband! And my husband would love the low expenses of it all. Our “love language” doesn’t involve gifts or a money value so we are a good pair in that regard.
Some people, however, really do value gifts and take them as a sign of love and that’s ok.
November 18th, 2010 at 10:29 am
This resonates with me because sometimes people just don’t understand that frugal people like to be frugal – even at the expense of convenience or in times of celebration!
A small group of my closest friends formed a club about a year ago…guess what it’s called? Frugal Club, of course!
It’s great to have a great group of friends with similar beliefs and convictions who we can share our frugal victories and ideas with.
We meet once a month and try different “crazy” frugal ideas each time. From making home cleaning products, to freezer cooking, to jewelry making, and just sharing general tips and ideas that we hear. It’s been a great source of fun and support.
Now that I have these girls, it’s much easier to face other “non-frugals” when they may not be as excited about my latest money saving idea
November 18th, 2010 at 10:33 am
I love your blog. You really walk the walk.
I’m dreading Christmas because I have to buy something for my wife. Just because it’ll be stored somewhere never to be seen again, it’s the thought that counts.
November 18th, 2010 at 12:49 pm
I just had to mention something. My dermatologist actually recommends using “stiff” air-dried towels, as the rougher texture sloughs off dead skin. So it’s not only frugal because of not using the dryer, but also because it eliminates much of the skin that lotion is wasted on (meaning you use less).
Also, even as a member of the materialistic generation 9I’m in my mid-20′s), the best gift or celebration my husband has ever given me is a night with no interruptions. Just a movie and some time for us. Our most expensive celebration to date was a $35 dinner on our first wedding anniversary.
November 18th, 2010 at 7:00 pm
i appreciate gifts that come my way very much, but more than anything i appreciate what it took in time and thought in selecting/making a gift just for me. my husband and my son know this and some of my extended family knowthis too. then there are those friends and family that just do not understand….i tend to look upon these folks with a little pity because they have not experienced true joy of receiving a gift or of giving a gift.
November 19th, 2010 at 3:11 am
Someone mentioned love languages – my husband’s is presents. But we’re coming to the understanding that the presents don’t have to cost a lot of money.
We don’t tend to have a lot of fizzy drinks in the house. They are an occasional treat, but i know he really likes them. Sometimes i’ll look on the reduced shelf at the supermarket and get him a can of coke for a few pence – it’ll be a from a multipack that had got split up and so they’re selling them off cheap or that sort of thing.
He appreciates the thought and gesture and we’re not very out of pocket – and i make sure it comes out of the budget, so i might have to go without something for me, but i think that’s good for a marriage, some give and take.
November 21st, 2010 at 1:02 pm
Some just don’t “get” the frugal lifestyle. It’s been associated with “cheap” too long. If people would understand it’s more about using resources responsibly and fully plus trying to limit the amount of “stuff” in one’s life, there might be a chance.
When it happens to me (and it happens A LOT with my extended family), I just shrug and think…”got live like no one else so someday I can live like no one else!” LOL
November 22nd, 2010 at 8:53 am
I agree with Pat that the cost of your anniversary celebration is irrelevant. In fact, it is so very irrelevant that you don’t need to share it with disapproving family members. This might be appropriate to tell a like-minded friend, but you’re not going to convert your family member to frugality by telling her how excited you are to spend your anniversary night playing Scrabble. It’s not that you’re keeping a dirty secret, it’s just that it would also be impolite to tell her that you’re paying $500 for a room for the night and going out for an extravagant breakfast and dinner. It would be easy to just say, “We’re going to stay at a nice hotel and I’m really looking forward to the time alone with my husband,” right? If pressed, “Oh, we’ll probably enjoy dinner and breakfast at the hotel, we really like the food there.” It’s not really necessary to say that you’re treating the free snack as your anniversary dinner. My mother has this habit-whenever someone compliments her outfit, she immediately tells them how little she paid for it. To me, this is just as uncouth as telling someone how *much* you paid for it. It tends to make people uncomfortable either way.
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