The Love Language of Gifts
A while back my husband and I had an interesting discussion with another couple about gift giving. Her husband had grown up as a missionary child in an African country. Poverty was something he saw every day. She had grown up in North America, her parents were older when she was born, and they went out to eat almost every day. I grew up poor. I wore hand-me-downs from other families, had to wear ugly brown snow-boots instead of the gloriously red shiny ones I wanted because they had to be passed down to my brothers, and sometimes had the power turned off because my father did not pay the electric bill (he was more than willing to buy himself Italian shoes, however). My husband was raised by his grandmother, who owned acres and acres of orange groves in Southern California and did not lack for money at all by the time he came along. While she had the good sense not to spoil him monetarily, he never wanted for anything at all, either. His father did not have good sense, and it was not unheard of for him to wander by and give his son a hundred dollar bill- in the seventies, when a 12 year old could do a lot of damage with a hundred dollars. Once when visiting his family they found out we bought the children's clothes at thrift shops and they were absolutely appalled. An aunt privately took him aside and offered to take us shopping to buy the new clothes. They had not found out because of the way the kids were dressed, btw. They found out because I was excited about really great bargains we found at a local thrift shop and was sharing my joy over this with them without realizing they did not share that joy at all.
Not surprisingly, my husband, our friends, and I all have different ideas about what we value in gifts, and we enjoyed talking about the different processes we went through as we figured out what pleased the spouses in our marriages.
My friend once greeted her fiance's return from a trip with a huge hand lettered sign and some expensive stuff to go with it (I do not remember what, I just remember it was pricey stuff for a college student). Later when it was his turn to greet her on a return trip, he turned the sign around and wrote on the back of it, and gave her, oh, I don't remember- something like a plant he'd grown in his room or some wildflowers. My friend was crushed at what a cheapskate he was, whereas I would have been thrilled with such creative and frugal thoughtfulness.
On the other hand, on our first Valentine's Day as a married couple, my husband brought home a grapevine wreath from a floral shop- one that cost half my weekly grocery money. I was devastated and sick at heart. When I say it was half our grocery money, I mean that week I had half as much grocery money available as usual, and we were already eating a pretty limited diet of beans, rice, potatoes, with rice, potates and beans for variety. A present does not mean more to me because it costs more. If it costs more for what I view a frivolous reason, it actually causes me pain. Very likely this is associated with the deprivations of my childhood and my response to them, but also it goes with my particular personality and love language, just as my friend's love for gifts that do cost money is associated with her childhood and also her own personality and love language.
My friend said she would have been thrilled at such a romantic gesture. I asked her how it could be romantic to have to go without food to pay for a grapevine wreath you cannot eat and do not need, and I guess it just is, if that's your love language. Personally, I don't get it at all, and I mean that. I mean, I understand on an intellectual level that is how some people feel, but I cannot imagine it, I cannot understand why, and it's hard for me to believe that anybody really does feel that way, even though they tell me they do. Emotionally I am sure they can't really mean that, or that if only things were explained to them they would realize that the price on an item has no relationship to its value, and that true gifts are about love and time and service, not price- that's how foreign and incomprehensible that kind of thinking is. It seems thoroughly materialistic and soul-less to me. I never liked the story of the Gift of the Magi, either, in case you are wondering, and yes, I realize that seems soul-less to others.
It was years before my husband and I really understand this about each other. I think we finally got it the year he bought me a hundred dollar teapot I have never liked (you have to dust it with a q-tip), and I bought him a brief-case I thought was ridiculously overpriced.
I was shopping for his birthday present, and I began by shopping the way that would please me- the way that would actually thrill me, actually, and make me feel tenderly cared for and understood - carefully, frugally, taking time to assess all the different features, price comparing. This would ordinarily be a very time consuming process where I would go from store to store- because this is how I show my love- by spending time on something. But I was pregnant and had a 2 year old, and the 7, 8, 10, 13, and 14 year olds with me, the 10 year old still in diapers, and I was not supposed to be on my feet more than 20 minutes, and the 2 year old was fractious and we had just finished grocery shopping so I was exhausted, sore, and in near agony from the condition mandating I not be on foot. I also happened to start at the store where he had purchased the ugly teapot and so I had just found out how much it cost which did not make me feel loved at all, it made me feel like I was going to have to make more sacrifices in the grocery budget in order to pay for a present that was not purchased with my likes and dislikes in mind, and I simply snapped, grabbed the most expensive briefcase in the group I was looking at and muttered something quite unwifely like, "I can't keep doing this today. He doesn't care about anything but how expensive it is, anyway, so I will just get the most expensive one and I don't care what it looks like."
When the time came to give him the present, he gushed over it. Among other things he said, "You must have spent so much time finding this!" At which point the children all looked at me waiting to see what I would do, since we do value honesty in our family, and they knew that time is exactly what I had NOT applied in choosing that present, thanks to my big mouth. I shifted uncomfortably and avoided his eye, and he repeated his gushing and praise, so I felt compelled to confess in front of my children, "I didn't spend any time on it at all. I started to, but then I decided you wouldn't appreciate it so I just picked out the most expensive one."
Now if this had been reversed, I would have been saddened. It would have diminished the gift in my eyes, and so I felt like I was saying something hurtful and I was ashamed and embarrassed. But to my husband, brought up with different standards, expectations, and regular electricity, this was not hurtful. It actually increased the value of the present in his eyes. He glowed, and gushed more. And I was shocked, while also a glimmer of a clue began to twinkle in the murky recesses of my brain.
We talked about it later, and for the first time he understood that an expensive present did not speak of love and cherishing to me, it represented cold, calculated shopping and buying of affections the easy way instead of investing one's heart into it and it spoke of materialism and meant deprivation to me, whereas, and I began to understand that for him, buying something new, shiny, and a little more expensive at the store represented, well, excitement, fun, careless abandon, and it says something to him about how the gift-giver values him.
And here's the thing- both of us are quite right. Where we were wrong was to give the sorts of gifts we would have wanted to each other instead of trying to consider the love language of the person to whom we were giving.
My husband stopped giving me store bought cards and started writing me notes and making coupons for acts of service. I stopped making his cards and started buying them. If he asked for a given book, I quit buying it used and bought it new for him, but if I asked for a book, he would buy it used for me. I have literally been known to squeal with delight when one of my children gives me some special thrift shop find for a present and then tells me how little she paid for it. It may represent something cheapskate and grim to somebody else, but to me, I think it represents care, security, and thoughtful love. Maybe you have to grow up in a household where expensive whims might be indulged one day, but that would mean unkept promises, jeans six inches too short, and utilities cut off just a day or too later to really understand this.
To give a nonfrugal gift to a frugal person is like giving chocolate cake to somebody who is allergic to chocolate and who doesn't like it anyway. That is not generous or kind. It might make the giver feel good, but gift giving should be about your recipient, not yourself.
To give a nonfrugal person an obviously frugal gift and go on about your frugality is equally unthoughtful. You are not communicating your love to that person, even if that is what you do want to communicate. One difference is that sometimes circumstances simply do dictate that you cannot give any but a frugal gift, but when this is your situation you can dress it up, make the presentation special, and keep quiet about how frugal you were.
And try to believe people when they tell what makes them feel most cherished and honoured.
related posts:
- Return Those Gifts! (and anything else you bought by mistake) I spent all evening digging Christmas gifts from the hidden...
- Christmas gifts for under $1 What kind of gift can you give an adult for...
- Cheerful Frugality Gives "Darkness is cheap, and Scrooge liked it." - A Christmas...
- 10 Frugal Gifts I’m Giving Whew! I just crossed the last item from my Christmas...
- Frugal Kind Of Funny Generally our holiday and birthday celebrations are small. We do...
23 Responses to “The Love Language of Gifts”
May 14th, 2010 at 6:18 am
Wow! Well said & so true!
May 14th, 2010 at 6:53 am
Wow I am so much like you in how I view gifts though I actually was raised with money and never really in want. Since moving out on my own and having my own family by priorities have completely changed. Now I think exactly like the grapevine and the grocery money. I’m using this blog as a talking point with the hubby cause I don’t think he always gets why I don’t want him to spend money on me.
May 14th, 2010 at 6:54 am
Amen, Amen, Amen!
My husband and I are still learning this
Mother’s Day was made very stressful by the purchase of something I really wasn’t sure I wanted, at full price, paying a whole lot of shipping, with no real way to return it (without paying return shipping which would mean basically no refund) and oh, it doesn’t do what we thought it would which makes it somewhat useless to our family. And yet, I know he thought he had gotten me something I would be very excited about. Not so much.
I’m going to have him read this as it probably does a better job of explaining the way gifts like that make me feel than my crying does!
And yet, I know that he is more like your husband. Bigger gifts mean more because I actually spent real money on them and because we don’t splurge all that often. What a great way of putting it for both sides of the coin!
Heather
May 14th, 2010 at 7:36 am
I really value this post. I spent Mother’s Day evening crying because I was so hurt over the lack of a gift. I didn’t care how much/little was spent, but it was a big deal to me to have them care enough to buy something for me. 17 years into our marriage, I finally said the words ‘Gifts are important to me’ to my husband. My husband knows how careful I am with money, and how much I dislike wasted money, and so he honored that, but just didn’t really realize how much I like receiving gifts. I should have said so a long time ago. He felt awful and went out and bought me a gift the next day. And yes, he got something inexpensive that I really like that was on sale.
It’s a win/win.
May 14th, 2010 at 8:01 am
Great post. I agree that it iS SO HARD to understand the other person’s gift style. It makes you want to change how that person gives and RECEIVES gifts. But. It doesn’t work that way. It shows more love on your part to give how the other person enjoys receiving.
I like a gift that says you know me…so ice cream, chocolate, books, and warm fuzzy things (like socks, mittens, etc.) make me feel so happy. Expensive gifts don’t mean much to me unless they are something I really need.
Like Towels. I could use a new set of towels for my bathroom. LOL.
Maybe my husband will read that? HAHAHAHA.
Every thoughtful gift I have ever received is placed carefully in my home so that I see them frequently. Because when I see them, I feel loved.
Anyway, my husband doesn’t like gifts at all. He thinks they are shallow. Buy what you need at a good price when it becomes available. He thinks things are just that. Things.
However, a clean house or a job marked off his to-do list without him having to do it makes him feel so loved. This thought is as hard to cram into my brain as my liking presents is for his brain.
SO, slowly, we have tried to get this down. And, when he doesn’t get me a gift, (Like for Mother’s Day and my anniversary yesterday) I remember that he really does love me and he shows me in a different way. Like, he let me sleep in yesterday. He did all the outdoor chores, milked the cow, and gave the kids a snack, a movie, and directions not to wake the mommy. So, I knew I was loved. And, he did the grocery shopping while I was at choir practice. I knew enough to put “ice cream for Jocelyn” on the list, and he knew enough to get chocolate with peanut butter swirl.
XOXO
Joce
May 14th, 2010 at 8:04 am
An excellent post! I am with you, Deputy Headmistress when it comes to gifts. I so appreciate your insight in to how we all respond differently due to background and/or personality.
May 14th, 2010 at 8:11 am
And I linked to your post over at http://www.jubbyplace.blogspot.com
May 14th, 2010 at 8:15 am
great post! it’s very true true – everyone is different.
May 14th, 2010 at 8:32 am
” I asked her how it could be romantic to have to go without food to pay for a grapevine wreath you cannot eat and do not need, and I guess it just is, if that’s your love language. Personally, I don’t get it at all, and I mean that. I mean, I understand on an intellectual level that is how some people feel, but I cannot imagine it, I cannot understand why, and it’s hard for me to believe that anybody really does feel that way, even though they tell me they do. Emotionally I am sure they can’t really mean that, or that if only things were explained to them they would realize that the price on an item has no relationship to its value, and that true gifts are about love and time and service, not price- that’s how foreign and incomprehensible that kind of thinking is. ”
Me too.
May 14th, 2010 at 8:33 am
My MIL is a big gift giver. When we were struggling in early marriage I could not figure out why she would spend $75 on an outfit for my baby when that money would buy diapers, and other things I needed. I could clothe them in precious clothes for a lot better price. To her, she wanted to give us something we couldn’t buy- a treat. For me, I would look at what I could have bought with that money and it would make me sick.
One day I went to the mall with her and my SIL. My SIL bought 7 pair of underwear for her twelve yr old that cost $6 a piece. I had to pretend to go look at something b/c the tears came and I couldnt stop them. I just sat there thinking that I had to buy the Walmart package of 6 with the free one twice a year and a 12 yr old was getting $42 of underwear!
May 14th, 2010 at 10:30 am
Oh my goodness… how could I not have known about this site for all of my life?? I’m not sure exactly what trail of links led me here, but I’ve lingered wayyy too long, and there’s still so much more to read! This post for today was wonderful; honestly, I see myself in your husband. I’m just selfish enough to love a big wonderful expensive gift… but as a single mom, those are few and far between. Still I have to say that this past Mother’s Day was so special and didn’t involve a single expensive gift. My children cleaned the entire downstairs including the floors, picked flowers (including scouring the yard for lily-of-the-valley which is my favorite) and put them in little vases all over the house… and all while I was napping! We ordered a pizza and watched my choice of movie in the evening. It was such a sweet day.
Looking forward to being a frequent visitor here!
May 14th, 2010 at 11:14 am
Well put…thank you!
May 14th, 2010 at 11:48 am
While I agree with most of this, I disagree with this line: “To give a nonfrugal gift to a frugal person is like giving chocolate cake to somebody who is allergic to chocolate and who doesn’t like it anyway.” I don’t think that’s necessarily true. My grandmother buys me things I would never buy for myself, and would be horrified at the thought of buying me something from a thrift store. This doesn’t bother me–she has the money for this. Her money is her business, and she puts thought into her gifts. I don’t dislike the suitcase she just bought me for graduation. Was it frugal? No. (She said, “I want to buy you a suitcase. Let me take you shopping so we can pick one you like.” I suggested going to an army surplus store and buying a $20 duffel bag. She didn’t like that suggestion.) I like it anyway.
Sophie
filasewphie.blogspot.com
May 14th, 2010 at 12:48 pm
I agree with Sophie about that one part–I know many frugal people who appreciate expensive gifts–the same items they might scour resale shops and garage sales for.
And, I don’t see the difference in someone buying me a brand-new item or finding that same item used, at rock-bottom prices at a resale shop/garage sale. The person put effort into the gift either way–how can *I* say how one effort was more than another?! It seems to be reading way more into the mind of the gift-giver, which seems…less than nice.
May 14th, 2010 at 2:26 pm
I enjoyed reading this.
My father LOVES to give gifts. It’s his thing. My husband’s first taste of that was his first birthday after our wedding–a mere 8 days later. My parents gave him a rather large gift card to a department store, and my husband said, “Wow. I’ve never had this much money to spend on clothes before.” My mother said, “Oh, that’s so sad!” And they took him shopping and dropped 10 times on him what that gift card was worth. It was beautifully generous of them. But the clothes were more my dad’s style than my husband’s. My husband was brand new to our family, and he was raised in a family that doesn’t voice their opinions. He was too cowed to say anything other than “thank you.” But he didn’t wear half of what was purchased for him…
My parents love to buy us things, and it’s wonderfully generous. But sometimes, it’s just too much. We have so much stuff, and we generally don’t need more. But I do realize that it’s my dad’s love language to give gifts, so we accept it all graciously.
My rule for giving and receiving is that it just needs to be thoughtful. I don’t care if someone spent $1 or $1000 as long as it’s something I’d actually like. I shop for gifts carefully because I want them to be something the recipient wwill like and use. And by all means, DO NOT wrap my birthday presents in Christmas paper. My birthday is December 25, and I like it to be a separate event from Christmas itself. That probably makes little sense to anyone who isn’t a Christmas baby, but for me, it’s a thoughtless gesture to wrap my gifts in holiday paper. The gift, for me, isn’t really the important part. It’s the thought behind it.
May 14th, 2010 at 5:26 pm
What a truly fascinating post.
For myself, even though I am a tightwad, gifts are more about how much thought the giver has put into them. I don’t necessarily care how much was spent. For example, my mother-in-law is always giving my husband clothes he NEVER wears. And a few weeks ago she showed up with a suit for my son. A SUIT? For a five year old? Has she MET us before? I’d rather have some thrift store jeans that would fit him than some stupid suit that went straight into the dress-up bin. That is what can be hurtful to me – that she puts no thought whatsoever into seeing who we are. My husband says maybe she bought it because she saw we didn’t have one…and I suppose that might be true. But we don’t have one for a REASON, and why doesn’t that occur to her?
I have been getting in trouble for years for crowing when I get gifts on sale. I don’t know why people find that offensive – if I get something on a good sale, often that means I have extra money for an additional gift for them. And as far as finding used things – they are often better quality or more unique than something found in a retail store. A few times my mom told me what a good deal she got on things for me (I think she thought I’d be offended and she’d be teaching me a lesson). She was a little taken aback when I cheered for her bargain shopping.
Money and gift-giving – two hot button issues. Thought provoking subject, and thanks for being so honest about your own feelings.
May 15th, 2010 at 9:23 am
I loved this so much I passed on. You can see it on my blog.http://neverfadingwood.blogspot.com/2010/05/love-language-of-gifts.html
May 15th, 2010 at 9:56 pm
I would much rather have something made especially for me instead of store bought gifts. Even a re-gift if it’s something not wanted/used by the giver. My husband is rather frugal or as his kids say lovingly *cheapo* they know they can’t have everything they want or see.As for me I always tell the kids the best gift they could give me is Love! Which reminds me of something I heard years ago “Some people seek that which money can buy while others seek what money can’t buy!”
May 17th, 2010 at 1:44 pm
Regarding whether a non-frugal gift is okay for a person who likes to receive frugal gifts, I think it largely depends on who’s doing the giving. When it’s your spouse, then it’s really okay to be discouraged by the gift since you would rather not have to rearrange the budget to accommodate the it. That pertains whether you’re in a situation where an expensive book affects your grocery budget or diamonds affect where you can go on summer vacation. A gift should be enjoyed now and not take away some future joy.
Likewise, it can be an imposition sometimes when people you aren’t married to spend a lot on a gift. We have a relative who has a set amount of money and can’t/won’t earn any more. When her money runs out, she’ll have to live with us because otherwise she’d starve. When she buys our family expensive gifts, it makes my husband and I very upset. It’s not considerate to give a “generous” gift when it’s going to affect the recipient’s future financial decisions unless the recipient is okay with that.
On the other hand, when a different wealthy family member spends too much on us, we appreciate the gifts. We know that we could have done the same thing more economically, but the giver was able to easily afford them and enjoyed buying them, so it’s okay with us.
May 19th, 2010 at 7:43 am
what a great story that really hits home with me.
I am all about giving/getting gifts that come from a person’s heart, notfrom some random store purchased under duress.
My family has come to expect (or i guess i should say ‘not know what to expect’) when it comes to presents they will be receiving. For example, mothers day i went out into my yard, dug up beautiful hostas and other plants (i have a green thumb), divided them and repotted (in pots i even had here) and there you go… i had a thrilled mom & mom-in-law….(father-in-law also got a plant for fathers day since we wouldn’t be seeing him. Last year my mom got huge tomato plants for her balcony (she lives in an apt)…this year she got a pot of strawberry. And she gives me reports on their progress practically everyday…she loves them.
Hubby and I decided long ago not to exchange ‘physical items’…the shopping process has just become too hard and neither of us like to shop anyway. We have a standing ‘date’ for all those occasions that normally ‘require’ a gift. And we don’t always use them up immediately either. Case in point: last week was my 10th yr anniversary. No presents of course, but next week (when we have the time) we are going away for a few days to the smokey mtns to go hiking. To me this is the best type of present i could ever receive from him.
May 19th, 2010 at 12:52 pm
I grew up in a family with plenty of money…so that was not an issue. The issue was my Mom. She does not really like receiving gifts. Before every holiday you still hear “and I don’t want any gifts!” it takes the joy out of holiday’s. I try to buy things that she will like and it’s hurtful to feel like you are being inconsiderate by giving a gift.I hated it at Christmas as a child because I knew that my father would have bought her something expensive and she would make a face and show her displeasure..and it would hurt his feelings.I have a husband who is usually a great gift giver. He isn’t someone who buys flowers often but when he buys a gift I know that thought has gone into it (he buys me stocking stuffers!). One time he bought me Chanel No 5 perfume. He’d watched a documentary about how it was made and knew it was a great gift…what he didn’t remember is he had already bought it for me before and it is so strong I was using it for air freshener (to use it up. In the current world people get mad at you if you wear strong scent).. I was so upset over the gift that I couldn’t sleep that night, it made me sick to think of what a waste of money it was..so I returned the perfume. The man at the perfume counter acted like I was a shrew but I stood my ground and returned it.I have since tried to explain to my husband that COLOGNE is not cheaping out on a gift.
May 23rd, 2010 at 10:16 pm
Sophie and Calee, I suppose it depends on why a person is frugal. Here are reasons I can think of, and each of them will likely result in a different attitude:
out of temporary and somewhat mild necessity, out of a need to figure out where your next meal is coming from, out of principle, and/or from a deep-seated psychological response to childhood deprivation.
If you are only frugal because of your current circumstances that aren’t so severe that a dollar or two is the difference between eating or not, then I see why you’d enjoy an expensive and perhaps frivolous gift and that would be an appropriate present for you.
If you are frugal for other reasons, an expensive and perhaps frivolous gift can actually cause genuine pain, and it would be a kindness to consider that. If possible, it’s best to swallow that pain and consider that you are giving the gift giver an opportunity to gratify himself and experience joy himself (or herself), but if you are struggling to put food on the table* that is agonizingly difficult.
Just because you do not share that feeling or the experiences that produce it does not make it ‘…less than nice.’
The point here was to try to understand that there are a variety of different feelings about gift giving and receiving for a variety of different reasons, not to harshly judge those you don’t happen to understand or share.
*(ask me about the time we had only two eggs in the house and I dropped and broke one of them, or the time we lived out of an ice-chest for three months because we couldn’t afford the utility deposit, or the times my mother did the Christmas shopping on Christmas Eve buying heavily marked down broken toys because my father had spent all the Christmas money on gourmet food and his Italian made shoes. Expensive gifts represent insecurity, want, and future deprivation to me. It’s like giving a child with a phobia of mice a pair of pet mice for Christmas. It may be illogical and a bit demented, but I do not think it makes me ‘less than nice.’)
May 30th, 2010 at 8:59 am
Thanks once again for being so honest and transparent with your life. It really helps me in so many ways! Bless you.
Leave a Comment