To Registry Or Not To Registry?
Sitting at my computer and scrolling through the list of desired gifts, my musings continued about the proliferation of gift registries. Being blessed in my community to have many celebrations of marriages, births and birthdays, gift giving has become a hobby of sorts. Having recently had a conversation with a friend about such, and reflecting on her position that most young married women today do not enjoy handmade objects and appreciate not starting married life with eight toasters, I too sought to take a positive view of these registries. They do make it easy to determine the taste, style and color choice of recipients and you know where to purchase what is desired. However, I still hesitate to say that I am really fond of registries,. To be honest, perhaps this is because they were not as much in vogue when I entered married life, twenty-nine years ago.
I seem to ask myself, is it “best” to always receive what you want? I never would have thought to put on my registry, when an almost-bride, “one box of yellowed linens, please.” You see, I really received such a gift and it has become one of my most beloved of offerings. You chuckle, or think this frugal life has really gotten to my brain, and I must confess, when opening such gift, I could not help but think “cheap” when realizing my eccentric (and wealthy) great-aunt was the giver. Squirreling this box of yellowed linens away in the back of my closet and writing a thank you note in appreciation of her desire to bless me, my immaturity caused me to neglect this truly precious gift.
As the years ticked by and my frugal senses began to appear, I learned to think about “what I had in my hand.” One day, desiring to cozy up my home a bit, I remembered that box of linens still in my closet. Fresh air, gentle washing and sunshine cured some of these items of their yellow hue, and the few pieces with lingering stains could still be used with strategic placement of items on top. If you were to visit my home today, you would still find these linens in use in many different ways. What a blessing they have been to me as I have used them over and over again. I wish my dear great-aunt was still alive so I could tell her that now I understand she shared real “treasure” with me!
And the eight sets of towels I received? Twenty years after my wedding, I took the last new set out of my cedar chest and rejoiced again in the blessing that had been bestowed upon me. And then there was the simple trivet given by my missionary friends which caused me such sadness when it accidentally fell on the floor and shattered after I used it for so many years. Or the verse of scripture written by hand and sheltered in an old frame that has added “homemade beauty” to my walls.
To be quite honest sometimes after looking at the prices on registries of some of the items asked for, my heart sinks as my pocketbook will be too stretched to accommodate the desire. And what if I find a better deal elsewhere, doesn’t that kind of defeat the purpose of not receiving possible duplicates?
I do not mean to nitpick, nor change the registry culture. I just wonder how the rest of you frugalites deal with gift registries? Do you think they are a true aide to gift giving? And how do you work with them in the frugal life?
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25 Responses to “To Registry Or Not To Registry?”
April 15th, 2010 at 8:36 am
I understand the purpose of a registry, but I don’t like the restriction I feel when I am “supposed to” shop from the registry.
Etiquette dictates the registry should never be mentioned in an invitation or in writing in any way. If someone wants to inquire about a registry, they can ask someone close to the recipient. I like this because it frees me in my gift-giving efforts.
I have heard people say they wished people would only buy for them off of their registry because they don’t want to be “stuck” with things they don’t like. It’s a gift, people. Be gracious. Accept the gift for what it is – a token of someone’s love for you. If it REALLY doesn’t suit you, find an appropriate home for it.
As far as weddings, most people have what they need to start a home – and usually two sets between the new wife and the new husband. So I really don’t see the need to supply them with an upgrade.
So basically, I do what I want. If they don’t appreciate it, that’s on them. I do try to give a gift that really fits the recipient.
April 15th, 2010 at 8:37 am
Do not worry, brides today receive plenty of things that are not on their registry. I’ve still got stuff I received for my wedding boxed up, waiting for the time when I might be able to use it… (we just passed our 6th anniversary. But we have many more to come, right?)
I wish I’d received something handmade. I cherish the handmade baby quilts I got even though I also had a registry. But the registries are useful for getting gifts that are actually used, as opposed to being Goodwill’d or passed on. As a giver, I prefer to give agift I will know will be used. *shrug* If I can think of something perfect not on the registry, I’ll give it. But most of the time? I shop off the registry if I can not come up with an idea.
April 15th, 2010 at 8:41 am
As a recently married fairly frugal bride who has many friends in the marriage and babies stage of life, I’ve both received items on my registry, received items off of it, and purchased items from my friends’ registries as well as given items that weren’t on the registry.
In terms of giving and the frugal life, bless every bride who registers at Bed, Bath, and Beyond. With their 20% off coupons (which they usually take expired and up to 5 at a time, no matter what those coupons say), you can usually get a better deal there than at any discounter. A family member did find my registry items at a discounter, and graciously told me (I was glad that she’d saved money!), and I removed them from our registry to prevent duplicates. Since your registry tells you when an item has been purchased, the surprise is often already gone, so having a family member call up and mention that she’s gotten X gift, could I remove it from the registry was no hassle. Bed, Bath, and Beyond also does price matching, which my husband recently used on our friends’ wedding present with one of the few brands that the coupons aren’t good for.
If the couple is registered at Macy’s, wait until one of their many sales or 20% off coupons. It’s rare that you can’t find one there.
With some of the more popular and more expensive registries like Williams Sonoma, it can be tougher to find deals, but a thoughtful couple will include smaller items such as utensils to cover all price ranges. I nearly cried when a friend sent a few utensils after the wedding – we needed them so badly they were worth more than the expensive new food processor at that moment (although I love the food processor as well).
April 15th, 2010 at 8:44 am
I still like to make handmade gifts, so I use the registries to give me ideas about what colors to use. Also, sometimes I combine the two–kitchen towels with handknit dishcloths, for example. My experience is that people register for way more things than they could possibly even find room for–so I’m thinking they’re not expecting to get them all. When you do register, they hand you a scanner and say, “Go for it!” and it’s like a kid in a candy store.
April 15th, 2010 at 8:56 am
Oh, I definitely like registries. I worked in a kitchen store before I was married, and so many times…co-workers or distant cousins would come to view a registry and be so grateful that they could buy something within their price range that the wedding couple could use. I always told my staff, be sure to suggest to the bride that she should have items from every price range on her registry. I do remember one bride/MOTB getting very angry because they only wanted gifts at the shower and money at the wedding…and I refused to have my staff inform their guests of that. I found that very tacky and tasteless, and let them know that if they weren’t happy then they could take their business elsewhere.
When we are invited to a wedding, the first thing I do is look at the registry. Sometimes I’ll buy a listed item elsewhere at a much better price, and then I go to the store to let them know that particular item has been purchased. The staff always takes it off the registry, they don’t ask where I purchased it from!
April 15th, 2010 at 9:06 am
I LOVE the registries. I don’t always buy what is listed, but it does help me to find a gift quickly even if I am not that close to the person.
I have been to a wedding lately without a registry, rather a list of the styles they like and colors. But personally I found this pretty unhelpful. We ended up just giving cash.
Please though, don’t just register at Macy’s, but try to also register at a less expensive place like target & walmart as well. It is so much easier to find something that fits in the budget then…
I still try to make special gifts if I am close to the recipient, I just use the registry as a guide to color/style.
April 15th, 2010 at 9:31 am
I used to think that gift registries were tacky too, but now that I’ve been invited to weddings for couples that I don’t know well, I have found them to be a great help and courtesy.
My assumption is that it’s fine to buy a gift not found on the registry, but if you need help making a choice or choosing a color you know just where to look!
April 15th, 2010 at 9:38 am
I love registries. It gives me an idea of what a couple wants, needs, the colors that they plan to have in the home, etc. If I find a better price on something somewhere else than I would purchase it at the other place. I also still like to give things that are handmade and personal. A cross stitch sampler framed with a scripture on it. A scrapbook of pictures that I took of there wedding with a copy of the program in it. I find that a bride and groom always appreciate these things. Most registries put together a list with a variety to prices so you can stay in your price range. In the day in age alot of people want to know what a couple wants/needs so they can make sure it is something they will enjoy.
April 15th, 2010 at 11:26 am
I just started setting up the registries for our wedding. We decided on Bed, Bath and Beyond primarily because of the 20% off coupon that can usually be found for their store in the newspaper or mail fliers.
The staff at BB&B were very helpful, but they tried to point out all of the high dollar items for me to scan. They also wanted me to register for 2 presents from each person I expect to attend my wedding – which I thought was way too much!
Much to their disappointment, I chose a wide range of prices from $5 to $49.99. I only had two items higher than that for “groups” and people who want to spend that much on one item (not gift expected, but requested for me to provide).
I will not be disappointed if I receive items that are not on my registry. I simply set one up because my fiance and I have lived together for two years and have two teenagers (my things pre-family were not so teenage-proof). Many of my friends and family are already asking for the registry as we seem to be in a unique situation (I didn’t think so!).
We are also registering at Sears, but I am trying to use the same frugal responsibility when we set that one up!
April 15th, 2010 at 11:36 am
Susan (from above),
Thank you for the idea about letting the store registry know of a purchase you made elsewhere. I don’t think I have ever thought of that – makes sense!
April 15th, 2010 at 12:21 pm
As a bride I had a bunch of people that our registry “inspired” them. We registered for a tent at target, and ended up with a whole camping package: flashlights, batteries, even bug spray. It was one of our favorite gifts, and they would never have thought of that without the registry.
So now I try to do something similar: find something on the list, a trash can for example, and then fill it up with cheap stuff that is not on the list that i can get on serious discount: trash bags, cleaners, etc.
April 15th, 2010 at 12:22 pm
I always check the registry to see if there is something in my price range that is the type of gift I’d like to give. If nothing catches my eye I feel perfectly comfortable doing my own thing. If the couple is moving into their first home I quite often do up a gift basket with the items apartment dwellers wouldn’t have (garden gloves, hose, bulbs/seeds depending on the season, a book on landscaping/patio/deck design, and a gift certificate for Home Depot or a local garden centre. In our area a lot of couples register at home improvement centres for tools, ladders and things for the yard and patio. They probably have duplicates on lots of household basics, but home maintenance and gardening equipment is often an area where neither of them has anything.
My mother remarried after my father passed away and since they were combining two complete households they didn’t need anything and everyone recognized that. Almost every gift they received for for an experience. They got certificates for theatre performances, a hotair balloon ride, a dinner excursion on a steam train, spa treatments, etc. It took them nearly the first two years to do everything and they had a blast.
April 15th, 2010 at 12:30 pm
Registries are a loaded thing, aren’t they? I was never a big fan at first since it can be hard to get a great deal or the items go to clearance (Target especially) and then you can’t find what they wanted. Made it hard on a frugal girl!
Then I got married and had a baby. What a different perspective! I had a home already and my husband had just purchased one. We weren’t looking for many upgrades, but for things that really were needs or wants. We got many gifts off our registry which was lovely. Some were duplicates, but most stores take them back fairly easily if they are on your registry. It was wonderful since they were things we really wanted or needed. We did get items not on our registry and lots of those have been very cherished as well!
There were a few items that we still have because we love the giver, but aren’t sure when or where we will ever use them. The struggle then becomes about keeping it because we *might* use it someday and we do not want to feel like we are donating or reselling a gift someone spent time and money getting us.
I really think registries are a blessing now. You don’t HAVE to get things off of them, but it gives you a much better idea of what they’d like or need, what their style as a couple is, and what they do not need. Those things make it much, much easier!
And thank goodness for those who register in every price range and those who buy the practical stuff on the registry! I once did ‘registry clean up’ for a friend and gave her a ton of the little things they wanted…she thanked me over and over and over.
Great post!
Heather
April 15th, 2010 at 2:14 pm
If I don’t know the person well, giving them a handmade gift seems rude to the people who are close to them who didn’t go to that trouble. In that respect, I think registries are great.
If I could receive tons of handmade gifts when I get married, I would love that. However, most people aren’t as frugal as the readers here, and if I told them there was no registry, that I would prefer they choose something they think I or my beloved would like, I might end up with 20 blenders. My mom, who knows me well, even, would have trouble. When a gift-giving holiday comes along she will pester my sister and I for a list. I usually do not have anything I want super badly, she still begs me to give her something, anything, she’s just not…creative in gift giving. Even though when I was younger she used to come home from work with a sweater or blouse she’d picked up at lunch and I usually liked it, she still has trouble. I think she feels obligated on gift giving occasions and it stifles her ability to just pick something up she knows I will like. (It baffles me, but…its just how she is.) Therefore I think registries probably serve a wonderful purpose, and I know they help her.
April 15th, 2010 at 4:50 pm
As the mother of the groom for a fast approaching wedding I am so thankful for the gift registry at both Bed,Bath and Beyond and at a local camping, outdoor and homes center. My son and his beautiful bride to be registered for gifts in both places. They were very mindful of the economy and took that into account when registering. Items on their list range from Pyrex measuring cups to camping equipment. I did ask them not to add “ammo” to the list since they are both hunters.
My friends and family have loved having a list of items, colors and have been able to get a “feel” for what the couple wants and needs. This has led to my DIL getting some items on her registry and some that were “inspired” by the registry along with beautiful handmade items at her bridal shower. One of her favorite gifts…the pair of nerf like swords my husband and I got her so that she and my son would “fight fair” when they got in an arguement! 
And no, that was not on the registry but it was fun and they both have enjoyed sparing with them! 
April 15th, 2010 at 7:04 pm
I have used registries for myself – but I’ve NEVER put the registry information on an invitation. I only tell people when I’m asked – or I let the hostess know to tell anyone who asks.
I find them helpful if I have to shop for someone I don’t know really well, or if I really want to get them something they’ll need … but I don’t feel obligated to only shop from the list.
I’m always appalled to get an invitation with the registry information right there, especially when there are 4 registries!!!
April 16th, 2010 at 12:31 am
Bed, Bath, and Beyond is wonderful for registries. Not only do they offer a plethora of 20% off coupons, which they will indeed take expired and up to 5 in a transaction, but they offer bonuses for the married couple as well. If you go back to BB&B AFTER your wedding, you can purchase any items on your registry that were not purchased for you and receive a 10% discount. I believe there may be a few exceptions (KitchenAid, Dyson, etc).
When we were told of this, my now-husband actually said, “so I could return everything after the wedding, get the cash, and re-purchase everything for 10% off?” The sales people said yes, that was fine but they doubted anyone would go through the trouble. In reality, that was exactly what we wound up doing after our wedding, although we had a good reason- we moved from Michigan to Arizona 2 days after getting married and only brought what we could fit in a Ford Escort (not much). After we bought our house my mom returned our gifts and sent us the money. We then re-purchased everything and got our 10% off.
As for handmade gifts, I love them but they sometimes leave me at a loss. We received a beautiful embroidered quilt as a wedding gift, and as much as I love it, it sits in a closet. It is orange and butterflies, and simply does not fit with anything we have here. We also have a stained glass pineapple that is a work of art, but I don’t know what to do with it as it is quite heavy and again doesn’t fit with anything we have. On the other hand, I made my sister a quilt for her wedding, and she loved it.
April 16th, 2010 at 8:16 am
As a bride getting married next month (!!!!) I was very torn about the wedding registry. I LOVE home made gifts, and my side of the family knows that. The reason we decided to go for a registry was at the request of the grooms family. Not knowing my taste of colours or knowing me very well they wanted to get a sense of what we wanted and needed. I was very disappointed to find many of my “go to” stores (for cheaper merchandise) no longer take registries!
I am curious to see if the things off the registry are still purchased. I am not a big fan of processions and clutter, wanting to live more simply without, and I am hoping that is taken into consideration as well. I have developed a strong dislike for the consumerism associated with weddings.
April 16th, 2010 at 8:22 am
If you find a gift from the registry elsewhere for a better price, buy it!!! If the couple receives a duplicate they can return the one from the registry without a problem.
April 16th, 2010 at 8:53 am
I just want to say how much I appreciate all of these comments! They truly have added to my personal perspective on the value of registries, although I would agree this information should not be on the invitation. I also am grateful some shared their appreciation for homemade gifts!
April 16th, 2010 at 9:09 am
Invitation to what? it is completely inappropriate to put the registry on the wedding invitation, but acceptable to put registry information on shower invitations (wedding or baby). it is understood that the whole purpose of a shower is to “shower” the honoree with gifts.
http://weddings.weddingchannel.com/wedding-planning-ideas/wedding-etiquette/articles/peggy-post-reveals-biggest-wedding-myths-ever.aspx?cm_ven=Responsys&cm_cat=EngagingNews&cm_ite=April%2007,%202010
April 16th, 2010 at 2:02 pm
I always get the registry and say “if they only knew they will never need half of this stuff.” I usually look for something not on the list that they will really need, especially for a baby shower!
April 19th, 2010 at 9:01 pm
Just passing through from a link I saw somewhere, and wanted to add my two cents!
I think it’s fine to shop “on” or “off” registerys, just using them as an inspiration or just picking something you know would be useful (someone above mentioned that nobody thinks about gardening tools, how true!).
But one advantage to a registry is that stores will accept returns without receipts if the item is on your registry. This was a great money saver for me after my baby shower. I wanted to cloth-diaper my baby, but I did not want to make a big deal or embarrass guests, so I gratefully accepted all the disposable diapers I got at my shower. I tried to return some of them to a big baby store, but was denied because I had no receipts. Then I went to Target and explained myself to the ladies at the Guest Services. Those wonderful ladies thought it over and offered me a fantastic solution! They allowed me to take the scanner, scan and register each item I wanted to return, and then I could return without a receipt because they were now on my registry! I returned all those diapers, a Diaper Genie, and some duplicate towels and used the money to buy my beautiful changing table that I use and enjoy every day! I don’t know if they are supposed to do that, or if they bent the rules for me that day, but I was so grateful. I still think of all the wonderful ladies at my shower every time I look at my changing table. (And any that asked later, I honestly told them how I used their gift.)
April 23rd, 2010 at 9:37 am
As an introvert, it is hard for me to make a phone call to RSVP for a shower (I love email!), much less to ask where a couple is registered. I am a fan of including that info on shower invites. I am also a fan of buying off the registry unless you are very close to the couple/expectant parents and know their tastes very well. Other than a few gifts from people with excellent taste or creative abilities, the gifts not purchased from my bridal registry went to re-gifting or Goodwill. I know that sounds kind of snooty, but honestly, it is just that people have such varied tastes. Just my 2 cents!
June 26th, 2010 at 10:24 am
I debated about whether or not to register by new baby. I started compiling my want/need list and discussed it with my husband. The decision was to register with someone we trusted and to try to stick to the basics, the things we knew we really needed. We went with baby registry and have been very pleased with the response from friends and family. You can always add a few more expensive items and see what happens.
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