Frugal Dates
I really, really, really am frustrated with the fairly modern and very western middle class idea that a married couple MUST have regular date nights in order to keep the marriage healthy and happy. NO, you don't. What is necessary is time together. My own parents accomplished this by getting up about half an hour earlier than they needed to. They would sit on the couch together sipping coffee and visiting. We all knew this was their time and we were not invited. My husband and I have done various versions of a regular 'date.' Sometimes we got a movie from the library, put the kids to bed early and retired to our room with the door shut to watch a movie, just the two of us. Sometimes we picked a book to read aloud together, and we would wake up a little earlier than usual and read a chapter from out book and discuss it. Sometimes, when the children were small, we went for walks with the children in the stroller at naptime, so the children would fall asleep and we could visit as we walked along. Sometimes we opened the window of the house next to the carport and sat in the car outside with the window down a bit so I could hear if the baby woke up. The point is doing something together, NOT spending money.
The most important tool in your frugal toolkit, as I have said before, is your own attitude. Lose the sense of entitlement and gain a sense of contentment. Lose the desire for instant gratification and gain a sense of adventure and creativity. Do not elevate wants to needs. Challenge yourself on this- every time you find yourself thinking "I really need...." learn to stop and examine that claim honestly. If you won't get sick or die without it, it's more likely to be a want than a need. It may be a serious want. It may be an important one, really important, a high priority want. But it's important to be honest, brutally honest, about this, because only be stripping away the encrustation of cultural expectations, commercially driven, successful advertising campaign level wants can you really determine what you need and figure out how to get it.
It may be that the 'want' is getting in the way of the genuine need. For example, you may be thinking "I need to go out with my husband a couple of times a month," and this keeps you focused on the things you cannot do- you cannot afford the baby sitter, the restaurant, the gas. But if you examine this 'need' carefully, you can see what really matters- time with your husband, and what doesn't- time and money for a dinner and a movie, with a sitter. Find ways to get that extra time while the children are sleeping or trade sitting with another couple in similar circumstances.
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12 Responses to “Frugal Dates”
January 29th, 2010 at 6:26 am
Good points. I think that this is a problem for a lot of younger married couples. I remember when my kids were young how hard it was to get some couple time. We have been married 28 wonderful years and I can tell you that the couple time is very important.
We like to just lay in our bed and talk. Sometimes we drink our coffee in our room with the TV news on. (just like we do when we stay in a hotel) I try to keep fresh sheets on the bed, keep the room smelling great with candles, and keep my mind on my husband and not the housework that needs to be done…works for us.
January 29th, 2010 at 8:33 am
I just wrote about this same frustration last week before we were about to head out on one of rare date nights. I feel like we’ve been told that we must have a weekly date night as part of a defense strategy rather than a couple just wanting to spend time together and being creative in how you do it. We too love the early morning date and the at home date!
January 29th, 2010 at 9:53 am
Excellent post! Many of the couples we know insist their marriages wouldn’t survive if they didn’t have their weekly dates.
I don’t bother to tell them that the Hubster and I have been happily married for almost 11 years now and RARELY go on a date.
When we have babies our dates might involve driving until the little one falls asleep and then parking in front of the lake to talk for a half hour or 45 minutes.
We’ll often spend an hour or so in bed after the girls fall asleep (we practice the family bed so we’re all together) and talk and catch up on things.
What always make sure to have some time to talk, dream, and plan together. We work and play together. We’re a team.
Do I like to be courted every once in a while? Sure I do! We try at least once a year (more if it’s a really good year financially) to have a “proper date” but it’s not necessary for the life of our marriage – it’s just fun.
January 29th, 2010 at 9:54 am
Very good post. Its always a good reminder to ask ourselves “why” we think the way we do…our perspectives lead us to act…just like you said, you don’t Have to spend $$ to spend time with each other!
January 29th, 2010 at 10:50 am
Excellent points! My kids go to bed at 9 every night…leaving my husband and I two hours to chat, daily. Sometimes we just watch tv, sometimes we play a board game…sometimes we just go to bed early. I don’t need a restaurant or a movie to connect with my loving husband, and I’ve had this conversation numerous times with our friends. But they don’t get it…apparently time with your spouse doesn’t count if an expensive restaurant isn’t involved!
January 29th, 2010 at 4:19 pm
A “date” for us is just spending time together, period. Sometimes that means that I’m out in the driveway helping hubby as he works on his truck, and other times it means were just getting groceries.
When I hear the word “date”, I don’t think of going out, so I admit to, at first, being perplexed when you said married couples don’t need dates. lol!
January 29th, 2010 at 9:26 pm
Great point! This is really important to remember. Some of our best dates have been in our own backyard or in the car on our way to my parents or my in-laws.
January 30th, 2010 at 4:20 pm
Thanks for sharing. You make good points! We are brain washed into thinking we are somehow missing out if we don’t do certain things. I don’t want to be afraid to think differently. Fight the entitlement mentality!
I just got back from eating with my husband at Ruby Tuesday, haha! We had a buy one entree, get one free though, does that help?!
January 30th, 2010 at 7:55 pm
Thanks for this post. My husband and I are newlyweds and we can’t afford to go out on dates. Our schedules keep us so busy that we don’t get to spend much quality time together. Maybe we should start getting up a little earlier!
January 31st, 2010 at 10:16 am
AGREED! I wont lie to you, i REALLY enjoy our trips to florida and our free rooms we get comped at AC, but, …the best times we have ARE free. I get up with hubby every morning at 5 so we can have coffee together..and although i work i make sure the house stuff is taken care of so that when he walks through the door, he has my attention..we will snuggle on the couch after dinner and do crossword puzzles online in the winter months..or go for a walk or sit in the yard by the firepit when its nice out….been together 29 years, and spending quality time together is what keeps a marriage together..not spending money
February 1st, 2010 at 11:29 am
I think the concept of Date Night works for people because with two income households, kids in activities, etc. calling the time you spend with your spouse Date Night and scheduling it, works for busy couples. My husband and I regularly do Date Nights but we really don’t call it that. We don’t always spend money. But to make sure that one of us doesn’t start a project or something when the other wants to go “play”, we DO makes plans to do something together ahead of time. Sometimes it’s a Saturday at the Dog Park, going to our monthly Gallery Hop, yesterday we browsed at a bookstore and came home and watched a DVD we had.
February 2nd, 2010 at 12:06 pm
I’m so glad to see so many other people share this same opinion. We get out about once a year as well, and we don’t feel deprived at all. We spend evenings talking to each other, and weekends working together on projects around the house. We can’t even imagine leaving our 5 children with others for days at a time to take a trip together. As long as our time together is quality time, it doesn’t have to be away at a restaurant eating food that isn’t even as good as I can cook at home or watching a movie we can watch on tv in a few months.
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