The Intangibles
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I’m going to step outside the norm for this post. I have frequently leaned toward the philosophical rather than the nuts and bolts of specifics in my posts here, but this is even more so.
Some things that have been percolating in the background and leading up to this post (I didn’t realize they were all percolating until I sat down to write this):
A wonderful friend’s clean check up after radiation and a full mastectomy
The husband of another friend beginning Chemo after being diagnosed with multiple myeloma.
A friend’s sadness over the tightness of their financial situation, which is so tight that she’s having to tell her children no to nearly every request, and they can’t even go to the park because they can’t use the 1/4 gallon of gas it would take.
The looming wedding date of our second daughter, and some hard issues her young man is having with a family member who is burning bridges- or would be, if our future son in law were not such an amazingly loving and forgiving person.
Reading this letter from Zimbabwe, pointed out to me by a friend who is in Africa trying to help:
The electricity is now off more than on - in my area its only been on twice during daytime working hours in the last week. Urban water supply seems to have virtually collapsed and in my home area taps are dry for at least 20 hours a day. Massive environmental devastation is being done as people have no choice but to cut trees down for fuel wood. Shops remain barren of virtually all goods and banks have become nightmare places where hundreds of people queue for hours at a time to withdraw the maximum daily allowance which is now handed out as a small bag of coins. At some banks the situation is so bad that the doors stay closed and locked all the time and people are only allowed to enter in small batches.
My friend says she fears many of the people have already been forced to eat their seed for next year.
A country and western song my husband loves (I love my husband, but not his country music) called ‘live like you were dying.’
All these highly disparate and seemingly unrelated things, and a host of others, have been swirling about in my head, and they coalesced as I was enjoying Listening to the following link, gleaned from The Anchoress - go towww.choralnet.org, then click on Music & Passion with Benjamin Zander.
I am going to give away a big spoiler. At the end Zander tells the story of a woman who survived Auschwitz. She was sent there with her brother, and in the train as they traveled, she noticed he had lost his shoes, and she reprimanded him as a worried, frightened, teenaged big sister might. And then they were separated and she never saw him again. Those were the last words she spoke to her little brother.
When she left Auschwitz she made a vow that she would try for the rest of her life to speak to others in such a way that whatever she said to them would be something she could live with as her last words to them. I don’t think she meant deep and profound, but rather kind, encouraging, words that do not leave a sting- words that are a gift.
None of us, of course, can quite live up to that and we should not make ourselves discouraged when we fail. But it’s a vision of how we might want things to be- of the kind of person we want to be in a few years, and we make that trip to that person one day at a time- one moment at a time, gradually growing toward that possibility.
As I listened to that story, I thought, “What an amazing legacy to leave those around you- what a treasure.”
It is a cliche to say the best things in life are free, and it’s a mockery to say this to somebody who has no food, no shelter, and no idea where they might be found. But most of us have some food and some shelter, and if you do not, I cannot give it to you in this post. You must go to somebody you know and ask. But most Americans, most of the time, do have food. Our ‘poor’ includes running water, flush toilets, and electronic toys.
But I am assuming most of us have food, but beans for the 100th night running can be discouraging. All the scrimping and saving can make us feel grey, gritty, and grimy as we cut each each source of income so close to the bone it bleeds. Or we just get tired of the saving, wishing we could give our children the toys, gew gaws, treats, and advantages some other family manages to provide.
When I was a child we used to have these delightful evenings called ‘popcorn parties.’
Mom popped popcorn, we bought a two litre bottle of soda (this was the ONLY time we EVER had soda), the lights were out, candles lit, and we told stories or played guessing games in the dark. It was great fun.
When I was an adult mother of adult children my mother revealed to me that we had these ‘parties’ when my father failed to pay the electric bill and our electricity was turned off. Hence the candles- and popcorn and purchased soda, so we didn’t open the fridge.
She could have told us, “No, we can’t…. because the electricity is turned off because of your father.” Instead, she said, “Let’s have fun!” She turned a negative into a possibility- and people, I love my mother and she’s an amazing woman, but she’s more amazing than you realize. She is not a positive person. Like me, she leans towards cynicism and negativity (I call it realism). And her besetting issue is dealing properly with anxieties and worries. And yet- she gave us this gift of popcorn parties and candlelit guessing games and never revealed the truly negative reasons behind them.
What do you have in your hand? A little creativity.
“What if, instead of going to the movies, we take a flashlight and go for a walk after dark tonight?”
“Instead of buying that toy, how about we make some play dough together?”
“Instead of driving to the park, let’s make tents in the dining room by putting sheets over the table and eating snacks under the table while we read together?”
“No internet? Let’s write each other letters the old fashioned way.”
“Let’s look at baby pictures together and tell stories of when you were little.”
Play hide’n’seek; tag, I Spy, 20 questions, tell knock knock jokes, and read books together. Don’t be depressed by what you don’t have- give your family what you do have- you.
And work on making you the sort of person who, even in corrections, puts things in such a way that they do not tear down, but build up. These are things you can put in the hands of others that nobody can take away.
37 Responses to “The Intangibles”
August 22nd, 2008 at 7:20 am
This is why the Headmistress remains one of my favorite bloggers of all time.
August 22nd, 2008 at 8:05 am
What a post. What a post. Tears dangerously close to spilling and my head nodding.
These are the kinds of thoughts I have been having lately. Thank you for writing them out and helping me “see the forest for the trees”.
August 22nd, 2008 at 8:13 am
I’m not really one for making New Year’s Resolutions, but one year I resolved to never take away from someone else’s day. By that I mean to try to never bring anyone down or add to their daily burden. I am sometimes good with this, but many other times simply don’t think. What you have said is so especially important to me as a mother. Financially, I am able to give my kids more than they need. But if I give to them more than they need materially, I am taking away from them in so many other ways and not properly equipping them for what they might face in the future. Your post is very thought-provoking. Thank you.
August 22nd, 2008 at 9:10 am
Great, great, great article. Thanks for this simple reminder. I’m turning off the computer and turning towards home this morning. Thank you.
August 22nd, 2008 at 9:14 am
This post made me cry. Thank you for sharing this! My family is in a terribly tight money situation and probably will be for a year or two. You have inspired me to make things fun and positive for my kids so they don’t worry along with us. God bless you!
August 22nd, 2008 at 9:56 am
What a great article! Certainly gives ‘food for thought’. Thank you.
August 22nd, 2008 at 10:16 am
Beautiful thoughts. My granny lives in Mexico, on a negative budget. Her bills consume all her income, and those are just the basics of housing, utilities and one non-essential internet. It is through living like the people around her that she flourishes. Eating beans, barley and whatever veggies are inexpensive. Bartering rather than buying. Putting trust in God to provide for our needs. She has taught me a wonderful lesson in that.
August 22nd, 2008 at 10:16 am
This may sound corny, but you entire post made me go all misty-eyed. That story is a wonderful reminder, and the rest of the post brought back memories of my parents trying to do the same kinds of things when money was tight for our family. (I grew up thinking that toast with a little butter and sugar on it was a rare treat … not knowing that it was a substitute for when there was no jam or anything like that in the fridge.)
August 22nd, 2008 at 10:26 am
your post was wonderful. i will be rereading this again and again because i need to be reminded of this often. well said!
August 22nd, 2008 at 11:09 am
Wow..thank you for the food for thought. Your mother is a very wise woman. Again, thank you for the subtle reminder to be content in every situation.
Blessings!
Mrs. Q
August 22nd, 2008 at 11:29 am
Really, really, really needed to read this today.
Thank you!
August 22nd, 2008 at 12:11 pm
Awesome. Thank you for the reminder that my little “fixer upper in dire need of help” home is actually a wonderful castle compared to the rest of the world. I am blessed.
August 22nd, 2008 at 12:38 pm
That is so touching. Perspective is everything. It never ceases to amaze me how attitude changes a negative into a positive. Inspiring post.
August 22nd, 2008 at 12:45 pm
Wow! This post really touched me and helps me put things in perspective. I know we are far more fortunate than most and still there is worry.
I also am a realist, but I hope to have inspired moments like your mom where the children always come first and are spared the worry and grim details.
I grew up a worrier, and it’s not fun.
August 22nd, 2008 at 12:46 pm
A great reminder of all that we have and how to turn a less-than-positive situation into a positive one. I struggle with being a “half-empty” kind of gal. I need to remember that I am lucky to even have the glass.
August 22nd, 2008 at 12:49 pm
Thank you for this touching and uplifting story! I know my family is not the only one going through a hard time financially and your suggestions are so timely and helpful.
August 22nd, 2008 at 2:03 pm
Thank you for sharing that with us. It’s good to remember that others have it much worse than we do and we have so much to be thankful for. It’s also a good reminder to focus on what really matters-people! I always love your articles.
August 22nd, 2008 at 2:57 pm
Beautiful. Thank you.
August 22nd, 2008 at 3:00 pm
Wow! I love this idea.
I kind of do this though to an extent. My kids think shopping at the Goodwill is a lot of fun. They always get a “new” toy (usually around 25 cents! lol) or the Dollar Tree or Big Lots. They are happy playing with a string and some dolls or drawing pictures for their daddy (who works long hours).
Of course, my girls are really young now (2 and 4) but I hope I’m always as imaginative as your mom was with the popcorn & soda parties! That was just awesome. What a memory, too!
August 22nd, 2008 at 3:59 pm
This is such a touching post on so many levels. Thank you.
August 22nd, 2008 at 6:14 pm
What a touching post, and a great reminder to look with thankful hearts at what we do have! I needed that today! I was feeling badly for not giving our children more - but I did give them myself. We had a toy car wash this afternoon instead of going to the pool - it saved and fuel and admission costs, but also my limited energy, and we all had a lovely time! The toys are somewhat cleaner too!
August 22nd, 2008 at 9:26 pm
That is so touching. My children cite one of their favorite memories as the time we sat around the kitchen table eating peanut butter pie and playing dominoed by candlelight. Our electricity was out for several days due to a hurricane, so we made the best of down time and food that was melting from the freezer. Our children don’t remember the loss of electricity, just the togetherness we felt. And that is what I remember about that time too!
August 23rd, 2008 at 5:32 am
What a lovely post. Thank you for sharing, and reminding me of the kind of person I wish to be.
August 23rd, 2008 at 7:09 am
Many years ago a cross country move went bad and everything we owned was left in a storage unit nearly 3,000 miles away. That first Christmas seemed bleak, no decorations, no money, a donated Charlie Brown tree. BUT I had scissors and a ream of typing paper. My daughter and I spent every evening for nearly a week making snowflkes to decorate the tree and apartment. As an adult it is one of her favorite Christmas memories, we still have a few of those snowflakes nearly 20 years later and every Christmas season there are more than just a few nights spent making snowflakes.
August 23rd, 2008 at 9:36 am
THANK YOU for these inspiring words.
August 23rd, 2008 at 12:11 pm
I wrote a post a couple of days ago attempting to be humorous while telling about the “chaos” (it’s not really chaos, not like some of the stories you’ve listed here) accompanying some home repair work we’re having done.
Someone in the comments wrote a mild rebuke that humbled me instantly. I was ashamed that I hadn’t recognized publicly (via the blog) that I appreciate each and every change as luxury from the world’s standards. I was ashamed I hadn’t expressed gratitude.
Then I wrote a follow-up post to try to compensate at least a little bit for that oversight…and to apologize.
http://annkroeker.wordpress.com/2008/08/23/how-a-single-comment-can-instantly-humble-me/
Your post drives it home, as well.
I’ll be living even more frugally in the months and years to come after paying for this work being done, and I hope that I’ll remember to always do it with gratitude, delight, and creativity. I hope your post pops into my head periodically to help with that, keeping it all in perspective and helping me to respond with a smile, and to speak with kindness, love, and gratitude to everyone.
Thanks for taking the time to write this essay, and many thanks to Meredith for linking to it.
August 23rd, 2008 at 12:59 pm
There is so much to think about in this post. I am sure I will pondering on this for a long time.
Thank you for writing it. It surely came form the Lord.
Dawn
August 23rd, 2008 at 5:30 pm
Hi,
This did make for interesting reading - thank you!
Up until two months ago, I would have totally agreed with this statement. But then it became personal and I found out more:
Our ‘poor’ includes running water, flush toilets,
My son is engaged to a Navajo. She grew up on our largest reservation in the United States. She’s 26. Until she left the reservation (8 years ago) she did *not* have electricity or running water…and her grandparents still do not have either.
I’ve since (to my shame) found out that many, if not all, the Navajo are *yet today* living without electricity or running water. Many have to haul their water from a hole that dries up daily, so it’s “first come, first serve.”
The dispute is with our government. We’re not honoring a treaty made in 1878.
After she told me all this, I listened better. I also watched a man do his season finale “30 Days with the Navajo Nation” (not sure this is the exact name of his show) It was eye-opening, to say the least….
Sad, isn’t it? I’d count running water & electricity as necessities, and naively thought all US citizens had it.
Thank you again for this thought-provoking article,
Deb who has many, many blessings *and* running water and electricity
August 23rd, 2008 at 6:10 pm
Thank you.
August 24th, 2008 at 9:24 pm
Deb, congratulations on your son’s engagement!
To clarify, when I said “But most of us have some food and some shelter, and if you do not, I cannot give it to you in this post. You must go to somebody you know and ask. But most Americans, most of the time, do have food. Our ‘poor’ includes running water, flush toilets, and electronic toys.”
I was speaking to and of people those of us reading this blog- ie, with internet access, and “our ‘poor’” is referring to us- those of us who say we are poor, but are in the top 3 percent of the world’s wealthy because we have shelter, a form of wheeled transportation, a radio, hot and cold water.
Incidentally, we lived for a period of time with no electricity because we could not afford to turn it on.
My husband presented the gospel to a young man who grew up in MIssissippi without running water or electricity- he joined the military so he could send money home so his younger siblings didn’t have to live like that.
And yet, even having lived with no electricity, in poverty to the point where I did laundry when I had found enough coins in the street to pay for a load, and where we actually had times with no groceries in the house- I still sometimes feel frustrated and whine to myself when I can’t have what I want when I want it- and the things I want now are things like… a new laptop, books, movies, and a fancy and new mother of the bride dress.
I’m telling y’all, I do not write these sorts of posts because I have achieved the perspective I blog about. I write them because I have not.
August 24th, 2008 at 10:20 pm
What a great post. Thanks so much!! It’s so good to be reminded of what we do have, and how we can make it a joy. I think what our children really crave from us is our time and attention. Having a few less things, isn’t such a bad thing after all.
August 25th, 2008 at 7:02 am
Thanks for the congrats and for the clarification….
Your post seemed like a good opportunity for me to talk of my frustration about the Navajo reservation. Now I’m adding people in Mississippi to it?! ack!
I wonder how many there are in the USA w/o electricity and running water? (not meaning our homeless here…)
Yes, to keep it in mind when I whine, too! I have *nothing* to whine about….yet, in my spoiled state, I do…..
Again, thank you so much for this post and your other ones.
Deb who is seeing beautiful morning glories out my library window….no, I’ve nothing to complain about….
August 25th, 2008 at 9:09 am
Deb, regarding our friend in Mississippi, yes, there are others like his family. But it is different than the Navajo situation. Our friend would be the first to tell you that he grew up with no indoor plumbing or electricity because of the choices his mother made and the way she wanted to live. She was/is, to use a common word down there, shiftless.
- and I saw an indigo bunting outside my window this morning….=)
August 25th, 2008 at 8:51 pm
Wow, I can’t believe I’m reading this topic on this blog….I just finished reading and listening to The Last Lecture by Randy Pausch…and I am about to listen to an encouraging teaching seminar again named “live like you’re dying.” This blog just confirms that I really need to live this way and watch my words: death and life are in the power of the tongue—I was reminded of that scripture just a couple of weeks ago. Thanks for the extra inspiration!
August 27th, 2008 at 6:24 pm
Thank you for this beautiful post. This was my first visit to your blog, but I will definitely be back.
August 30th, 2008 at 12:38 am
Thanks so much for this!
Mary
September 21st, 2008 at 11:38 am
Hi, I just found this blog, and I love it! I am frugal and I’m glad to find a site dedicated to frugality!
Your post was wonderful. Maybe in not giving so much to your kids, you are truly giving more; you are giving yourself.
My Dad and Mom lived through the depression, and while they did without a lot, no doubt it made them the strong independent people they were. I know my generation, and the following generations, for the most part, lack that “toughness”. We think of everything in terms of buying, not saving. Maybe that’s why America is in the shape it’s in right now!
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